On self forgiveness:
In the middle of my vision board there is a picture of me, and I guess until this morning I never realised just how much of an impact it was to have on my life’s work.
The picture is of me, I am 5 years old on a swing in my garden and no doubt I am pondering on life! Next to the picture is the word ‘forgave’. I put this on my vison board when I was only 10 weeks sober and I remember back then trying to figure it all out, who was I, what was I here to do, who did I need to forgive?
As I meditate on that little girl on the swing I knew she felt different, for some reason or other it was hard for her to connect with other people, she felt separate, different and alone. She watched other children play and wondered why she couldn’t join in.
When she finally turned to a teenager she saw that she could gain approval and acceptance from boys by using her sexuality, this attention made her feel good about herself and this is where the approval from men started to take its importance but after a while she started to feel cheap and tainted but she remained stuck in a cycle repeating the same behaviours even though it was hurting her spirit.
I had to forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love but due to the self loathing and hatred I felt for myself it was always going to be impossible for me to accept from anyone and this was always reflected in my choice of men. I had to forgive myself for seeking the love I craved outside of myself and learn that until I could accept myself fully, just as I am that this pattern would never be healed.
I also had to forgive myself for using food as a way of stuffing my feelings. I couldn’t cope with how I felt about myself so I would use whatever was necessary to dull feelings of inferiority and ugliness. I had to accept that I was enough just as I was and that beauty has more to do with the confidence that ignites from truly loving and knowing who you are, it is the beauty of the soul is what matters.
Only when we begin the process of truly forgiving ourselves can we learn to forgive others. I speak to so many people who are in pain, emotional and spiritual, they have no awareness of the power of self forgiveness, this is my sole purpose for this blog, if I can shed a little light on my pain then it may help you to gain an understanding of yours.
With Much Love and light