I find I am always most reflective in the shower and this morning it was like playing back an old movie on my life so I thought I would share with you as it may help for you to identify some ways in which you may not realise you too press your own Fck it button.
So, over the last few days something happened that brought up old emotional wounds that tapped into the feelings of being rejected. This then led me to question not only my self worth but my judgment.
I got to thinking how eight years ago this would have totally tipped me over the edge causing me to go on a rampage of self destruction, this is how hard I would push my Fck it button:
I would tell myself I was a worthless piece of crap and I would either gorge on food or stave myself. I would then plan to get completely wasted that evening normally have a one night stand with someone I wouldn’t look twice at whilst sober and then wake up in the morning feeling even worse than I did the day before.
I then thought back to how I would have reacted to this four years ago: I would tell myself the same victim story, I would self destruct by looking for someone to validate me, this would mean searching FB chatting to men I wasn’t really that interested in or setting up a dating profile so I would be inundated with messages and I could raise my feeling of self worth. I would probably starve myself and go to the gym for three hours.
I then thought back to how I would have dealt with this last year, I know I would not have set up a dating profile but I think I would have eaten a lot of ice cream, cried and then shut myself off from people for a little while whilst I licked my wounds.
Today: I prayed A LOT – I meditated A LOT – I chatted it over and over with friends who love me and I and saw that even though I felt hurt and rejected these were only feelings and my feelings would not kill me, even though they didn’t feel that nice. I saw that today my belief of ‘I am enough just as I am’ really sits well with me and I was able to accept that everything is just as its meant to be.
Looking back and reflecting is always so useful, they say we never know how far we have come if we are not tested, be grateful for the lessons, they are the universe’s way of making you great. You don’t have to self destruct but if you do then forgive yourself, we learn by getting it wrong so we can get in right in the future
Love and LIGHT